THE PET SHOP
by Joel-Gomes
Summary: The follower to THE INDIAN. Kramer and the recently returned Newman open a petshop. Meanwhile, Jerry's girlfriend has her dog stolen. Read and review.


THE PET-SHOP

A Seinfeld fan fiction script 

by

Joel G. Gomes

Cell–phone number: 91 877 25 96

Address: Rua de Angola, 48 1º dto

          2835–107 Baixa da Banheira

E–mail(s): joel_gomes2002@yahoo.com

             gomes_joel@hotmail.com

September 2002

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

When I was a kid I always wanted to have a dog. My parents didn't thought it was a very good idea so they bought me a fish instead. At first I felt disappointed. But, nevertheless, I tried to adapt to the fish. The problem was that the fish did not try to adapt to me. Maybe it was because of the fact that I was treating that fish like a dog, y'know? But I didn't care. I took care of him like I would haven taken care of a dog. Imagine an eight year old kid walking around with an aquarium under his arm, throwing sticks and making useless efforts to play Frisbee with it. It didn't turn the fish into a dog but, at least, it gave my parents a message: be careful with what you give to your kid.

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE SITTING AT A BOOTH NEXT TO THE WINDOW.

JERRY

Okay. Let me see if I heard you correctly. You used a handicap toilet?

GEORGE

Yeah! So what? 

JERRY

I can't believe you did something like that! 

GEORGE

I was in a rush, okay?

JERRY

But that's only for handicaps to use!

GEORGE

That's what they tell you, but I never heard anyone saying that normal people couldn't use them.

ELAINE

Are you saying that handicaps are not normal?

JERRY

Not like him, they're not.

GEORGE

What I meant to say was... people in needs.

ELAINE

They have needs too, y'know?

GEORGE

But not like me.

JERRY

Let me ask you this: was it the only stall available?

GEORGE

Not really.

ELAINE

This is unbelievable...

GEORGE

I couldn't resist! It had those sidebars, y'know, that they use to lift themselves up! I tell ya, you have no idea how relaxing it can be to sit there and just do... whatever you have to do.

JERRY

So the fact that there were three handicaps waiting for you to come out of your own private little Eden didn't bother you at all?

GEORGE

Why should that bother me? All the other stalls were free. They could use them if they wanted. I wouldn't mind.

ELAINE

Do you know how sick you are?

GEORGE

Yeah, now that you've mentioned it, I think I have a slight headache.

JERRY

Must be your heavy conscience.

GEORGE

No, it's not that. (GETS UP) I've learned to ignore that pain a long time ago.

JERRY

Where're you going?

GEORGE

I have an appointment.

JERRY

Doctor?

GEORGE

No, for a job.

JERRY

Really? Where?

GEORGE

A hardware company.

JERRY

Hardware? What're you applying for?

GEORGE

Haven't thought of it yet.

JERRY

Well, good luck.

GEORGE

(WALKS AWAY) Thanks.

JERRY AND ELAINE HEAR BARKS COMING FROM THE OUTSIDE.

JERRY

What the hell...?

THEY LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SEE KRAMER WITH AT LEAST TEN DOGS HOLD BY THE SAME LEASH. 

JERRY KNOCKS ON THE GLASS. 

KRAMER SEES HIM AND WAVES.

JERRY WAVES BACK. 

KRAMER KEEPS ON WALKING. THE BARKS DISAPPEAR INTO THE DISTANCE.

ELAINE

What was that all about?

JERRY

Whatever it was, I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.

ELAINE

So, what're you doing today? You wanna go to the mall?

JERRY

Go to the mall? What am I? A teenage girl?

ELAINE

I thought you like going to the mall.

JERRY

Yeah... That is my natural definition of entertainment. Spending countless hours trying to find something I have no need whatsoever. 

ELAINE

You have anything better to do?

JERRY

As a matter of fact, yes. I have a date with Victoria.

ELAINE

What kind of name is that? Victoria.

JERRY

It's a great name! Sounds like... victory! It means she's a winner.

ELAINE

(LAUGHS) Which makes you the looser. 

JERRY

Very funny.

ELAINE

Okay. (GETS UP) I'm going by myself.

JERRY

What about Peterman? You're still working there, right?

ELAINE

He gave me the week off.

JERRY

Oh, I see! Because of that catalog?

ELAINE

That's right!

ELAINE WALKS AWAY.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERY IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. KRAMER COMES IN. WE CAN HEAR BARKS COMING FROM HIS APARTMENT.

KRAMER

Hey, buddy!

KRAMER WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND CHECKS THE CABINETS.

JERRY

What's up?

KRAMER

You don't happen to have any dog food here, would you?

JERRY

(GETS UP) No.

KRAMER OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR.

JERRY

Didn't I just tell you that I don't have any dog food in here?

KRAMER

Do you have it someplace else?

JERRY

No!

KRAMER

Nevertheless, it's worth checking out.

THE BARKS INCREASE IT'S VOLUME.

JERRY

Are those barks I hear?

KRAMER

Yeah.

JERRY WALKS TO THE KITCHEN AND CLOSES THE REFRIGERATOR. KRAMER LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS.

JERRY

Where did you get all those dogs anyway?

KRAMER

I found them.

JERRY

And you're keeping them in your apartment?

KRAMER

It's just temporary. Once Newman finishes cleaning the shop, they'll be out of here in no time.

JERRY

Did you just mentioned Newman?

KRAMER

Yeah. We're gonna open a pet-shop together.

JERRY

And I thought I saw the last of him when I kicked him from my apartment after our release. You can never dream too high, that's for sure.

KRAMER

Well, the supper told me that once Newman was out he tried to find someone to rent the apartment but no one seemed to be interested. 

JERRY

I wonder why.

KRAMER (cont'd)

So he got no option but to call Newman and ask for his return.

JERRY

It's like they say in the movies, desperate times call for desperate actions.

KRAMER

I'm thinking of getting one those signs saying the place is under camera surveillance.

JERRY

Where are you gonna get the camera?

KRAMER

What do I need the camera for? All I need is the sign.

SOMEONE KNOCKS. JERRY OPENS THE DOOR WIDELY TO REVEAL THE SPACE-FILLING PRESENCE OF HIS ARCH ENEMY – NEWMAN.

JERRY

Hello... Newman.

NEWMAN

Hello... Jerry.

A BEAT. THEY EXCHANGE LOOKS. THEIR FIGHT WILL NEVER BE OVER.

NEWMAN ENTERS THE APARTMENT AND WALKS TO KRAMER.

NEWMAN

Did you get any food?

JERRY

Why? Are you hungry?

NEWMAN

As a matter of fact, yes.

KRAMER

We'll have to go to the supermarket. Jerry doesn't have any dog food.

NEWMAN

I'm not surprised. One can never count on him for anything.

JERRY

Specially, if that one is someone like you.

KRAMER

(WALKS TO THE DOOR) Come one.

NEWMAN FOLLOWS KRAMER.

JERRY

Hey, Newman! 

(CONT.)

NEWMAN LOOKS BACK.

JERRY (cont'd)

I'll make sure I have some weasel food next time you stop by.

NEWMAN CLOSES THE DOOR. JERRY RETURNS TO HIS COMPUTER.

CUT TO:

INT. SMITH'S OFFICE. DAY

MR. SMITH IS A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN, WITH GLASSES AND THICK GRAY HAIR. HE'S TALL, AND THIN.

MR. SMITH IS WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. SOMEONE KNOCKS.

MR. SMITH

Come in.

THE DOOR OPENS. IT IS GEORGE.

GEORGE

Uh... hello. I'm here for the job interview.

MR. SMITH

Come on in.

GEORGE ENTERS AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

MR. SMITH

Have a seat.

GEORGE

(SITS) Thank you.

MR. SMITH

Let us begin this, shall we?

GEORGE

Yes, let us.

MR. SMITH

Your name?

GEORGE

Costanza. George Costanza.

MR. SMITH

(TYPES IT) Costanza. Do you live on your own, George?

GEORGE

No. I... live with my parents.

MR. SMITH

Oh! I see... So tell me, do you have any experience in hardware?

GEORGE

Oh please! (LAUGHS) Hardware is my middle name!

MR. SMITH

Well, you see, as the owner of InfoSys, I try to develop a good relationship with my personnel. Like a friendship. You understand what I'm saying?

GEORGE

Yes, I do. Perfectly.

MR. SMITH

I believe that the job just becomes easier if you think you're helping out a friend.

GEORGE

I totally agree on that.

MR. SMITH

But, I must warn you, George. Friend or no friend, there's always a lot of hard work to do around here. Are you sure you can handle it?

GEORGE

Who? Me? (LAUGHS) Hard work is my second middle name!

MR. SMITH

That's the spirit!

MR. SMITH GETS UP. GEORGE DOES THE SAME. THEY SHAKE HANDS.

MR. SMITH 

George, I'm very happy to say this. You're hired! Welcome to InfoSys!

GEORGE

Thank you, Mr. Smith! Thank you so much!

MR. SMITH

Be here Tuesday morning at nine o'clock.

GEORGE

I sure will, Mr. Smith.

GEORGE WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. HE'S READY TO LEAVE BUT SOMETHING'S REFRAINING HIM. HE TURNS BACK.

GEORGE

Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

CUT TO:

INT. INFOSYS BATHROOM. DAY

GEORGE ENTERS THE BATHROOM. 

A MAN FINISHES CLEANING HIS HAND AND THROWS THE PAPER INTO THE PAPER BASKET. THE MAN LOOKS TO GEORGE AND EXITS. 

GEORGE CHECK ALL THE STALLS. HE'S ALL ALONE. 

HE WALKS TO THE LAST STALL. HE SEES THE HANDICAP SYMBOL AND ENTERS. HE HEAR HIM LOCKING THE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY IS STILL WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER. 

THE BUZZER SOUNDS. JERRY GETS UP AND GOES ANSWER IT.

JERRY

Who is it?

VICTORIA (V. O.)

It's Victoria.

JERRY

Come on up.

JERRY GOES TO THE COUCH AND SWITCHS THE TV ON.

VICTORIA ENTERS, VISIBLY UPSET.

JERRY

What happened?

VICTORIA

(SITS ON THE COUCH) Someone stole my dog.

JERRY

What?

VICTORIA

Can you imagine anyone who could do such a thing?

JERRY

I can think of two.

VICTORIA

I left him outside at the backyard last night. And when I woke up this morning we was gone.

JERRY

What kind of dog is he?

VICTORIA

He's an husky.

JERRY

(DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE) An husky? 

VICTORIA

Yes.

JERRY

Did you call the police?

VICTORIA

Yes. And I put an ad in all the newspapers as well. Just in case someone finds him.

CUT TO:

INT. PET-SHOP. DAY

NEWMAN IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER. 

KRAMER IS TRYING TO FEED THE ANIMALS. THERE ARE CATS, BIRDS, LIZZARDS AND DOGS (INCLUDING A HUSKY). THE NOISE IS IMMESURABLE.

ELAINE ENTERS THE SHOP, CARRYING LOTS OF BAGS.

KRAMER

Hi, Elaine. You're interested in buying a pet?

ELAINE

No, thank you. So, is this your new business?

KRAMER

Yeah. You're sure you don't want to buy a pet?

ELAINE

I'm positive.

KRAMER

'Cause you know, dogs are men's best friends.

ELAINE

In case you haven't noticed, I'm a woman.

KRAMER

You want a cat, then?

ELAINE

No. No pets, thank you. Listen, I gotta go now. I'll see you later, okay?

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. NIGHT

JERRY AND GEORGE ARE HAVING COFFEE.

JERRY

So, how did the job interview went?

GEORGE

Not bad. I got a job and I've made a friend.

JERRY

Oh! That's nice! What were you hired for?

GEORGE

I've no idea. He only told me that there's gonna be a lot of hard work to do.

JERRY

I'm sure you can handle hard work. After all, it is your middle name.

GEORGE

My second middle name.

ELAINE SHOWS UP AND SITS NEXT TO JERRY. 

JERRY

So, how was your trip?

ELAINE

Great. I bought lots of stuff.

JERRY

Anything useful?

ELAINE

I don't know. I'll have to check that later. Hey, you know what? I stopped by Kramer's new pet shop. (NUDGES HIM) Guess who his partner is?

JERRY

I know. Newman.

ELAINE

How d'you know that?

JERRY

I saw them yesterday.

GEORGE

What're you talking about? What pet-shop?

JERRY

Kramer and Newman opened a pet-shop together.

GEORGE

Really?

JERRY

(TO ELAINE) You didn't see any husky there, did you?

ELAINE

I didn't pay attention. Why? You're interested in buying one?

JERRY

No. Victoria's husky disappeared and I was just wondering if they had something to do with it.

ELAINE

No. I didn't notice.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY' APARTMENT. DAY

JERRY AND VICTORIA ARE WATCHING TV.

JERRY

Still nothing on your husky?

VICTORIA

No. It's been three days already. Maybe I should quit and go to a new pet-shop that opened a few days ago and buy myself a new pet.

JERRY

No! no! no!

VICTORIA

What?

JERRY

I don't believe what I'm hearing! You're deliberately saying that you're giving up on your husky?! You want to replace your own dog? (GIVES HER A CONDEMNING LOOK) Shame on you!

VICTORIA

You're right. I think I should wait a little while.

JERRY

Yes. You do that.

CUT TO:

INT. PET-SHOP. DAY

KRAMER IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. NEWMAN IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN.

JERRY ENTERS AND WALKS TO THE COUNTER.

KRAMER

Hey, Jerry! What brings you here?

JERRY

I've something to ask you. (PEEKS AROUND) Where's Newman?

KRAMER

He hasn't shown up yet.

JERRY

Fine. It's better this way.

KRAMER

Why? What's going on?

JERRY

Victoria's husky disappeared. You wouldn't know anything about it, would you?

KRAMER

Why should we know something like that?

JERRY

Where did you get those dogs?

KRAMER

We found them on the streets. They're homeless pets. This is their chance of having a new life.

JERRY

Well, I'd be careful if I were you. Victoria is coming here today. If you have a husky, I suggest you hide it until she's gone.

KRAMER

Why? What's wrong in having an husky?

JERRY

It's not very convenient under these circumstances.

NEWMAN ENTERS THE SHOP AND SNEAKS IN BEHIND JERRY.

NEWMAN 

Hello... Jerry.

JERRY

(TURNS BACK) Hello... Newman. I was almost hoping someone had bought you. (TO KRAMER) I have to go now. Watch out, okay?

A DOG BARKS OFFSCREEN.

NEWMAN

Shut up!

THE DOG BARKS AGAIN. WE SEE IT. IT'S THE HUSKY.

NEWMAN

Shut up!

CUT TO: 

INT. INFOSYS. LOBBY. DAY

GEORGE ENTERS THE BUILDING. MR. SMITH SEES HIM AND WALKS TOWARDS HIM.

MR. SMITH

Hello, George! Ready to do some hard work?

GEORGE

Ready as ever!

CUT TO: 

INT. MONK'S. DAY

ELAINE AND JERRY ARE HAVING BREAKFAST.

JERRY

So, did you find anything useful among your shopping?

ELAINE

Nothing so far. What about your girlfriend's pet? Any news?

JERRY

No. I stopped by Kramer's pet-shop to check if they had an husky.

ELAINE

And?

JERRY

It came to my senses that I don't know what an husky looks like.

ELAINE

So, what's the point of checking?

JERRY

Well, at least I tried.

ELAINE

What about George?

JERRY

He's working. He's gonna come by for lunch.

ELAINE

Does he know what hardware is anyway?

JERRY

Sure he knows. It's one his middle names. What about you? You wanna come along?

ELAINE

Okay.

CUT TO:

INT. INFOSYS BATHROOM. DAY 

THE BATHROOM IS EMPTY. GEORGE ENTERS AND CHECKS ALL THE STALLS BEFORE GOING TO THE PLACE HE LIKES BEST.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. PET-SHOP. DAY

KRAMER IS APPROACHING THE SHOP WHEN HE SEES A COP HEADING THE SAME WAY. HE HESITATES, THEN TURNS AWAY.

CUT TO:

INT. PET-SHOP. DAY

THE COP ENTERS THE SHOP.

NEWMAN IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. HE SWALLOWS AT THE SIGHT OF AUTHORITY.

NEWMAN

Good morning, officer. What can I do for you?

COP

I'm looking for a dog.

NEWMAN

Well, he have lots of dogs. Feel free to choose.

COP

I'm not looking for an ordinary dog.

NEWMAN

Ordinary is not something you'd find in here. We take great pride in our selected canines.

COP

I'm looking for an husky.

NEWMAN

I'm sorry to disappoint you but I have no idea what an husky looks like.

COP

Neither do I.

NEWMAN

Thank you, Lord!

COP

What?

NEWMAN

Nothing.

COP

So, I'm planning on bringing here the pet's owner to see if she can identify her dog.

NEWMAN

(SWALLOWS) Really?

CUT TO:

INT. MONK'S. DAY

JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE ARE HAVING LUNCH. 

GEORGE

This is most incredible job I've ever had!

JERRY

What do you do?

GEORGE

Practically nothing. 

JERRY

Well, I think they found the right man for the job.

GEORGE

All I have to do is check my computer and see if all the deliveries were sent correctly.

ELAINE

And you know how to do that?

GEORGE

What's there to know?

KRAMER ENTERS THE SHOP AND JOINS THEM. HE'S STRANGELY NERVOUS (SORT OF SPEAK).

KRAMER

Hey.

JERRY

What happened? Why are you so nervous?

KRAMER

I was returning to the shop, half an hour ago. I went out to get some coffee. And when I came back, I saw a cop entering the shop.

JERRY

What did you do?

KRAMER

I turned back.

JERRY

I thought you said you had nothing to worry about.

KRAMER

I know that. But I can't just assume he shares that same knowledge.

JERRY

(SMILES) So, there's still a chance.

CUT TO:

INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. DAY

VICTORIA IS STANDING AT THE EXIT DOOR.

VICTORIA

Are you really sure I should do this? I mean, you sounded so reproving when I talked about replacing Rufus that I just-

JERRY COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

JERRY

I'm not talking about replacement. All I'm saying is that you should not neglect the chance of you're dog being caught by someone in the business of selling animals.

VICTORIA

You're right. 

JERRY

So, when the cop comes, I want you to go with him, okay?

VICTORIA

Okay. I'll go.

(CONT.)

JERRY SMILES.

VICTORIA (CONT'D)

But only if you come with me.

JERRY

Say what?

CUT TO:

INT. INFOSYS. HALL. DAY

GEORGE IS REACHING THE BATHROOM DOOR WHEN MR. SMITH SEES HIM.

MR. SMITH

George?

GEORGE STOPS AND LOOKS BACK.

GEORGE

Mr. Smith! How are you? It's good to see you.

MR. SMITH

It's good to see you too, George. Is everything alright? Are you handling the work?

GEORGE

Are you kidding? I could do this with no hands, if I wanted.

MR. SMITH

That's the spirit, George! (TAPS HIM) Keep it up!

GEORGE

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

MR. SMITH WALKS AWAY. GEORGE ENTERS THE BATHROOM.

CUT TO:

INT. PET-SHOP. DAY

THE COP ENTERS THE SHOP, FOLLOWED BY VICTORIA AND A VERY RELUNCTANT JERRY.

NEWMAN HAS HIS BACK TURNED TO THE DOOR. JERRY DECIDES TO SNEAK BEHIND A SHELF, BEFORE NEWMAN TURNS BACK.

THE COP WALKS TOWARDS NEWMAN AND TAPS HIS SHOULDER.

NEWMAN TURNS BACK AND SWALLOWS.

COP

Like I said before, I brought the pet's owner for some quick id. 

NEWMAN WALKS TOWARDS VICTORIA.

NEWMAN

I'm delighted to meet you, mam. I only regret it is under such dreadful circumstances.

VICTORIA

Yes, me too.

NEWMAN

Well, I hope I can be of any assistance.

VICTORIA

Thank you.

VICTORIA STARTS WALKING AROUND AND SEES THE HUSKY.

VICTORIA

Rufus?

THE HUSKY BARKS.

VICTORIA

Rufus! Here he is!

COP

Do you have anything to say at your defense?

NEWMAN

I was set up!

COP

(CUFFS NEWMAN) Alright. I think we're about done.

VICTORIA

(LOOKS AROUND) Jerry?

JERRY

(BEHIND THE SHELF) What?

VICTORIA

There you are! Why don't you come here and see who did this?

JERRY

I rather not.

VICTORIA

Come on. He can't hurt you now.

JERRY EXITS FROM THIS HIDEOUT. NEWMAN SEES HIM.

NEWMAN

I should have known better. It was you who planned this all thing all along, Seinfeld.

VICTORIA

Jerry! Do you know this man? What's he talking about?

JERRY

Ah! Probably just delusions of an insane mind.

NEWMAN

Don't listen to his crap! He hates dogs. He did all this to set me up!

VICTORIA

You did what?

COP

Where's the key to the cage?

NEWMAN 

It's on counter. First draw.

THE COP GOES TO THE COUNTER AND PICKS THE KEY. HE WALKS TO THE CAGE AND OPENS IT. 

THE DOGS RAN AWAY. RUFUS ALSO. 

VICTORIA EXITS THE SHOP.

VICTORIA

Rufus!

THE COP FOLLOWS VICTORIA.

COP

Wait! You have to fill a report!

JERRY

So much for victory.

NEWMAN SMILES TO JERRY.

NEWMAN

It seems your plan didn't work. 

JERRY

That's where you're wrong. 

JERRY WALKS BEHIND THE SHELF. 

JERRY

(OS)

In fact, it worked better than I predicted. 

(CONT.)

JERRY COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE SHELF, HOLDING A SMALL SNAKE AND STARTS WALKING TOWARDS NEWMAN.

JERRY

(CONT'D)

Because now, I have you exactly I want.

NEWMAN

(SWALLOWS) What're you going to do?

JERRY

What am I going to do? Nothing. I'll leave that choice to someone, or should I say, something else?

JERRY PULLS BACK NEWMAN'S T-SHIRT AND PUTS THE SNAKE INSIDE.

NEWMAN

No! Please! Don't do this!

JERRY

Don't worry. It only bites you if you start moving.

JERRY WALKS TO THE DOOR.

NEWMAN

Jerry!

JERRY

Bye!

NEWMAN

(STARTS TREMBLING) I'll get you for this! Ouch!

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET. SUNSET

A COUPLE OF HUSKYS WALK TOWARDS THE SUNSET. 

CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM. DAY

A MAN ON A WHEELCHAIR IS KNOCKING AT A STALL.

MAN

I know you're not a handicap. Let me in.

GEORGE 

(OS)

Do you mind? I'm trying to focus here.

CUT TO:

INT. COMEDY CLUB. NIGHT

JERRY IS ON STAGE.

JERRY

Most of the things we use on our daily hygiene are tested on animals. Almost everything, from shampoos to body lotions, everything is tested on animals before they decide that it's safe for humans to use them.

Despite the fact that we're not animals, this issue brought me a question. What happens when they develop this kind of products for animals? I've heard of dog shampoo but I have no idea where it's being tested.

Do they test it on humans? On plants? Other animals?

Try to imagine a test for a new dog biscuit. Five people sitting around a table, with a bowl full with dog biscuits.

"This one's good."

"Humm... Needs more salt."

THE END


End file.
